The Long Version

The first time I told another person that I'm gay was December 23, 2004. Of course, Roomie was well aware three years before that. But that night at a little martini bar in my hometown, with the aid of my trusty truth serum (Crown Royal, of course), I told the V about a part of me that I'd withheld for our entire friendship. Naturally, she wasn't the least bit surprised. Realistically, I wasn't surprised that she wasn't surprised. Truthfully, that made her the best candidate for my first "outing".

The second person was Hotass. That was January 19th, 2005. He welcomed Roomie and I into his family (or gagle of gays, as it were!) with so much love and acceptance. Honest to God, we wouldn't be where we are today without him.

So, before I can get to where we are today, a little bit of background is necessary. Both Roomie and I spent our entire lives completely engrossed in conservative churches. I was essentially raised conservative Baptist, and Roomie came from a smalltown country Church of God (about as conservative and uptight as is possible).

My lifelong dream was to play in a Christian rock band for a living. In fact, I moved from Washington State to Memphis in 2001 to help start a new church, and would spend the next four years of my life playing 200 dates a year with just the type of rock band I'd dreamed about. We had two CD's that were selling well for a Christian indy band, a website with 20,000 hits, major record label interest, and a slew of booked dates. It seemed that my life was going exactly how I'd planned. The fact that I was miserable seemed bizarre to my church friends. I was tired and unexcited. My passion was a facade, and anyone with any experience with my personality could see it. They also knew that I was very close to Roomie, though they had no idea how much so.

When I quit the band and didn't show up at church for a few weeks, the rumor mill started flying. For those of you with a southern background, you probably know that in the Baptist church, we call the rumor mill a "Prayer Chain". We call gossips "Prayer Warriors". We commend people for slander and speculation. The most hurtful part of this particular speculation is that it was started by the lead singer in my former band, who had been a friend of mine for 4 years, and had been a friend of Roomie's for more than a decade. (Ironically, he's the one who introduced us....)

Cutting to the chase, my Memphis and former Washington church circles are relatively connected. And since my mother has always been the best friend I've ever had throughout my entire life, the last thing in the world that I wanted was for her to hear a "prayer request" about her only son's sexuality from a "prayer warrior" before I had the chance to talk to her.

So on Thurdsay, May 12th, 2005, I bought a same day ticket to Washington and told my mom I wanted to see my pregnant sister while she was still huge. After all, its a brother's right and obligation to call his pregnant sister fat, and I had been denied that right thus far. In reality, my intent was to use the weekend to come out to at least mom.

The night I flew in, I wanted to tell mom when we got in the car, and have the whole trip to home to talk about it. She showed up with my sister. So that didn't happen. The rest of the weekend, I passed by 400 perfectly setup opportunities to spit it out. Everytime I tried to start the conversation, I just couldn't do it.

See, for the first three years of my life, it was just me and mom. Nobody else. She ended up marrying one of the best men in the world, and I grew up surrounded by loving family and friends. But mom and I have always had something special. I know its that way for a lot of us. But for me, the only thing I have ever feared in my life is hurting our relationship. So to tell my mom that I'm gay was a risky venture. I really didn't know what to expect.

Monday morning, three hours before we went to the airport, I did a terrible thing. Because I was determined not to get on that plane without her knowing, and because I didn't have the balls to speak up, I gave her a letter. I went into her bathroom while she was curling her hair and said "This is a shitty way to do this, I know. But I need you to read this, and I'm going to take a shower. After that, we need to talk. I love you."

Yeah, that sucks. I know. And mom works from home. And she had a conference call in 15 minutes. I know. I'm a bitch.

Anyway, I got out of the shower and got dressed. I went down to her office and sat there till her call was over.

She turned around and hugged me and told me how her love for me would never change. She swore that if I was covered in bleeding sores and dying of aids, she would gladly clean my wounds. She told me she was scared for how hard my life could get. She told me she felt like there was no "FUCKING" (first time I ever heard THAT word come out of her mouth) point in prayer, since she had prayed for God's will in my life and my sister's life, and now she had a gay son and a pregnant 16 year old daughter. She cried. She told me she loved me.

She asked if there was a remote chance I was mistaken, and she giggled when I said no. And she cried some more. And she cussed some more. And she told me she loved me.

She asked how many lovers I've had. After my stomach untied itself, I told her only Roomie. She told me she loved him. She told me she loved me.

Today, it has been exactly one month since I came out to my best friend. She is still my best friend. My whole family knows now, so I'm free to be as out as I want. There's nothing holding me back now. And some of the family is uncomfortable talking to me right now. They don't get it yet. And that's okay. Everytime I talk to one of them, I tell them that its taken me a lifetime to begin to understand, so I don't expect them to get it overnight. Fortunately, the conversations have all ended with "You know I love you" type comments. For that I'm grateful.

And mom has come a big distance. My sister is getting married in Hawaii in August of 2006. The only guests will be the immediate families of the bride and groom. Mom called me and told me she booked flights and a condo for Roomie and I. When I asked if she was sure about that, she said "He's part of this family now. He doesn't have a choice."